One non-Navy tenant of our lives that Heather and I both feel guilty about is that of our sweet little Kai. So many people volunteer to let Kai come play at their house, which is wonderful and amazing. Before all this our plan was to bounce Kai from person to person, but we were really unprepared for how Kai would react. We’re trying really hard to keep him with a parent, then a grandparent, then cousins, then friends with kids he knows really well. Here’s why.

For nearly three years, Kai has been our whole world, but for the last few weeks he’s taken a natural seat in second place. We know he feels loved, but he’s been through a lot with us leaving in the middle of the night and being gone for days with only phone calls in between. He’s also had Heather mostly 24/7, even when I’ve been gone with student gov stuff, so losing her has kind of rocked his world. While we were gone delivering Navy, Kai’s eyes swelled and we thought he had gotten a black eye. Once he was reunited with Heather after she was discharged, within hours the swelling went away.

He’s been so strong, though, and I mean that. The other day Grandpa G came to pick him up as I headed back to SLC. Kai and I had been playing and so seeing Grandpa was a surprise. With tears starting to form, Kai asked what he was doing there. When Kai heard he was leaving his home again, the tears fell. I took him to my room, hugged him tight, and gave him special kisses on his hand he could keep with him. Kai took his deep breaths, whispered that he was ready (more to himself than to me), and then ran back into the living room to Grandpa with a smile shouting “I’m all ready!”

He is also just a joy, to us and those who watch him, with his funny expressions and talkative demeanor. Heather and Kai went to North Ogden today to be together. She texted me and said “this is not the boy I left a month ago.” Why? “He’s sassy. And smarter. And says new funny things.” Last night as we all tried to sleep in a room together, he kept making us laugh. We tried ignoring his quirky comments while laughing to ourselves, until we lost it when he sat up and just said, in his own giggle fit, “oh, bother!” 

As we’ve struggled with those questions, our Child Life Specialist gave us some feedback. After watching him in deliberate play therapy, she told us he has some visible ticks that show his separation anxiety: blinks repeatedly and licks the corners of his cheeks until they’re raw. (which we had noticed). Most heart wrenching, however, was that when in play his figurines and dinosaurs try to find their daddy; or cars race to see their mommy but she’s not home. Even his stuffed animals go to the hospital and are away from baby bear. He has a standing appointment for play therapy at the hospital. Next week we are supposed to focus on that separation anxiety and how we can better support him, but I can’t imagine he’ll ever stop coughing and we’ll feel good about letting him come back to the hospital.

Today, my family took Kai to the zoo. Afterwards, Heather and he went home, Heather’s first time in a month. I know we whine a lot on this Instagram, but we started this account as our journal and it’s important to us to document our right-now emotions. One day we’ll look back on this, and it will make future family vacations that much sweeter.

We’ve wanted to spend the last two extended weekends all together, but Kai has been coughing. We feel so guilty having him in the NICU, the hospital in general, and even our Ronald room with him having some symptoms. Like, the anxiety pits in our stomachs and we can’t sleep just thinking of wanting to be with him but not wanting to risk any baby or child’s health, including Navy. The ideal goal was to have us all together in SLC from Friday – Tuesday. As we had Kai helping Navy with a bath, he coughed. That moment put us over the edge. Do we keep him and hide the cough? Split us up with one in SLC and one in NO? Or do we go to the ward and grandparents/ family, who are so willing and helpful, to help Heather and I be together to focus on Navy? It feels important to keep Kai with Heather, both of them need each other, but how do you let any kid into the hospital during sick season?